


Cruel World

by ikjottw



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 10:51:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7571383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikjottw/pseuds/ikjottw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten wonders how everything had come to this point. He wonders how exactly he'd managed to fuck up his life to this extent. (features an alternative ending)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Does it end like this?

**Author's Note:**

> This work is mainly only Ten and from his POV on the struggles he's facing. It's basically just a mess of feelings. You're basically experiencing him going through a mental breakdown so don't read if it triggers you!
> 
> I'm posting this on my new account since it doesn't really fit in with the theme of my other one! It's a bit heavy.

He didn't know why everyone considered him to be so fucked up. Well maybe he did, he had grown up to be quite a violent fellow. He didn't think he needed to apologize for the monster he'd become, no one seemed to want to say sorry for making him this way. Especially not his 'family'. He'd always been told "oh but they're your parents surely you still love them?" But the fact was he didn't. He'd be happier dead, in fact he wished that when his dad used to physically abuse him he would have just ended it so he didn't have to deal with this. He was fcking tired of being treated like an ungrateful little kid with no self-control. Everyone treated him like a child. Like someone who wasn't old enough, smart enough, mature enough. He needed to be sheltered. Like he needed people to tell him what to do, how to think. Why the fuck does everyone think they know what's in his own head better than he does. It wasn't as worse as before, now his parents often left him to his own devices in fear of a violent outburst. But you could see they were disappointed, but he really thinks he'd cut off his own head if he were to interact with them more then necessary. It was like... sometimes, he could handle it all. He could just deal with his father and everything else. And some days he really, really couldn't. 

It's not like he doesn't know that the fault is partly his but Right then, though he felt like he needed to blame someone for his life. Wanted to let them all know just how much they fucked him over. Because they did. They ruined everything in his life. They ruined him. And it wasn't fair. Ten often heard from other adults that he needed to figure him and his life out but.. It's hard getting to know yourself when you're always being criticized for who you are or what you do... For his current predicament he had no one to blame but himself though. Ten wasn't exactly the most social of people but at the same time he craved human contact. His ass decided it'd be great to online school and limit his social interaction even more. He really didn't know what he was thinking but he hated school so much at the time, but to be honest even school was better then these four suffocating walls of his bedroom. Even though he acted all high and mighty in front of everyone and even his own father since he had never been good at containing his feelings. He was scared. Scared of his own father. He shouldn't be scared of his Father, nobody should be scared of their parents. It wasn't right. It just wasn't right. 

And there he goes again. Little hitching sobs fill the room; Ten's recently discovered that he sounds like a scared child when he cries. The more you know. Little tadpoles of sadness writhe in his chest; his heart is a swamp, deep and muddy and green. What is down there? Dark and drowned, Everyone leaves eventually. He may look confident and tenacious for everyone, Ten always felt his need to be looked after, to have someone stand by him when he felt like no one else was ever behind him. Yet here he was, failing to protect him from himself. He forgets to eat or eats too much, either sleeps too much or not at all, feels a void in his heart 90% of the time, doesn’t change clothes for 8 days. He was going crazy. 

 

He’d spent hours once wandering around his town, drowning in his thoughts. He’d always known he would mess his life up, he messed everything up, he wasn’t allowed to be truly happy. But why did adults always make him out to be the bad guy? All adults are the same in the end. At first they're kind and sympathetic to make you drop your guard, then they get mad at you if you don't do as they say. That how adults always are. They're losers. The damn bastards. 

He just wanted somebody to talk to- to express his feelings too when he needed to. Somebody to lean on whenever he was feeling down.

But apparently, he couldn't have that.

He was seen as rude and cruel, but also sick and manipulative to a lot of people, by mostly or all of Adults or anyone associated with his parents. But he wasn't truly like that- he rarely smiles because he can't. He rarely opens his feelings to be people because he couldn't.

He's locked away to his own little world, and that world consists of him, studying and his fcked up parents only.

Of course he had friends, the people seemed to be rather close to him. But still, he couldn't particularly lean on them and tell them what's going on in his house now could he? 

Too many questions, he couldn't deal with it anymore. So many thoughts currently running through his mind and he couldn't stop them no matter what happened. Too many things were happening all at once and he couldn't deal with all of it anymore.

He wished and wanted so many things. But there were so many brick walls in his life that he couldn't get past, and he felt like that wasn't going to change anytime soon, and each and every brick wall in his life would just get bigger and bigger and bigger as time went on.

He couldn't get past one wall, and if he did, he would just create another one.

And that would continue on until he finally snapped.

He wanted to get over so many facts that his Mother would never stand up for him, and he wanted to get over the fact that his Father would never stop continue doing what he's doing to him, constantly torturing his only poor Son. 

But his Father wasn't anybody, he was a dangerous man and he knew what he was doing. He knew what he was doing to his son.

And he didn't care.

He never cares, he never cares for anything or anyone. He didn't know what to think of his Father anymore.

He was gruel and heartless, and anybody could see that. They probably wouldn't think that he would hurt his child in a daily basis, physically, mentally and emotionally. He didn't care either and he never would.

Why?

Did he do something wrong?

Tears were streaming down his face before he could stop them, a weak sob escaped his lips as he slowly impaled on himself, his body rattling as he whimpered and winced. He felt like his entire world was slowly but surely crashing down on him each passing day, and he was trying to prevent it from happening so much, but he couldn't. The walls weren't crumbling after time, but only growing stronger, He wanted somebody to save him, he wanted somebody to love him and hug him, no matter how childish it sounded. He craved it.

But he didn't just want anybody to love. He wanted a special person-- a special somebody.

And of course, he probably wasn't allowed to have a special somebody.

His bed was clinging onto him. But he couldn't sleep for longer. He couldn't just lay there and try and wish away the reality of life again. Or maybe he could. Too many brick walls are blocking Ten from what he want's to be doing with his life. Too many walls keeping him locked in his own cage in which he must obey orders from whoever.  
There's too many things going on his life and in his past which he realized has knocked him down so far, changed him as a person and the reality hits him like a truck.  
He want's to feel and experience to many things. But he can't because of things piling on top of each other continuously until he breaks.

It will never change.

His life will never change.

He actually used to be a pretty shy child, couldn't say more then a few words to others. It was because he was taught that silence helps. So he didn't know why he retaliated towards his 'family' so much now. Ten guesses he was just sick of it, he didn't care anymore. He can't hide who he is. He can’t say things he doesn't mean, say that he likes things he hates, or hate things he like. And more than anything he can’t lie to himself . Sure granted wrapping toilet paper all over the house and putting ice down his mothers back was a bit overboard. But he was just so sick. They think they can know a person’s feelings by memorizing a few lines from a psychology book? To him, a scar was like falling into the deep water. All the onlookers who don’t know the depth of the scars keep asking why he can’t just pull himself out of the water. There are too many people who are oblivious and belittle strangers’ scars.

Why did he always say the opposite of what he meant? A former friend once told him "you’re really soft-hearted inside but you keep throwing your temper around. That’s why you get mad, because you don’t know your own feelings. How about you try following your heart". But how could he? He wasn't allowed to. If you look at a Post-It, it’s a lot like Ten. Although it’s needed by everyone, it’s not precious. Because it’s comfortable and easy to throw away. He never had trouble making friends but his friends never had troubles with leaving him. 

There was one person he fully opened up to once though. How could he forget? He constantly thinks about him, how life felt like a movie even though his family troubles were still going on. Ten didn't like Yuta at first. Why did some random guy butt into his life with his big staring eyes, asking him this and that. When Ten listened to Yuta's words, it felt like Ten's life was all fake. All the things that Ten once believed were real, felt fake within seconds. Sometimes Ten thinks about this often. But sometimes he would ask himself back in the day, will he be able to live without him? All in all, Ten thought he could live without Yuta. People will always adapt to environments slowly. Ten lived without Yuta for 16 years, He could get used to his normal life without him (even though it's been two years and he still hasn't but he's sure it's bound to happen soon) . Ten misses Yuta's presence. Because of Yuta, Ten was tired, fought with him and all those time when they made up. Ten thinks it became a habit . Like as if he doesn't do something that he used to do daily, He feels empty. 

Ten's the one who fcked it up though so he has no one to blame but himself, to distract away from his family problems he told outrageous lies about his life and Yuta eventually found out and he wasn't really mad? Yuta seemed more disappointed. Yuta had offered him a chance to fess up and tell the truth but his pride was way too big. He couldn't have Yuta hating him even more so he stuck with his lie to the end. Even though he regrets it now. Ten wishes he could have… well, it doesn’t matter anymore. All Ten does these days is wish and wish and wake up with a deep stabbing pain where his heart is. 

Now what’s left is the tatters of what used to be. Love looks different when you lose it; love transforms with the long slow stretch of days of waiting, and it wrings you out, like a bow drawn taut for too long. These days, love is panic attacks in the middle of the night, holding his sheets tight and struggling to breathe. Love is a tide that bears you across life, and what if that life is an unhappy one? Love still remains. Love will not go away when the bad times come. His parents get people to come help him, not professionals or anything, just other family members because maybe they could knock some sense into their 'foolish son' because obviously this could definitely not be the outcome of their abusive upbringing. No one believes him though so he just stops trying. A brief flicker of irritation flickers across Ten's exhausted mind. They're all feeling around for cracks, and Ten's no longer so confident they won’t find any. He puts himself together every day, pieces coming to assemble themselves as he stares into the mirror: a jagged smirk, a tilt of the chin, an air of careless good humor. But the pieces don’t fit so perfectly anymore. A good strong wind might make him crumble, so he has to brace himself every time he steps outside of his room. 

Ten's parents had actually even called the cops on him one time, well more like a cousin of his had convinced his parents to do it after the ice and toilet paper fiasco. The cops didn't believe his story either, well actually he didn't even try to explain it anymore. If they wanted a villain, he'd become one. His cousin after that had taken his wifi router and devices to her home to 'punish' him. He honestly had thought he'd go crazy. His only form of social contact with his friends was gone and he had even had a blog which he considered his safe place. He had thrown a tantrum big enough to get them back after two days. 

Ten knew that he was probably losing his sanity, he surely didn't feel normal. Ten is a ticking time bomb that floats on the edge of depression and insanity. He was sick of being used by people. He didn't want this anymore. He couldn't cope with anymore weight on his shoulders any longer.

Things pile on-top of each other, the weight just dragged on more and more.

The grades.

The pain.

The abuse.

His Father.

This had never happened before. Now, anything is an excuse for his Father to criticize him, demean him, mentally torture him until he's one hundred percent sure that's he's useless to the World. That nobody would ever truly love him.

Nobody would ever save him from this. He wants to save himself from this hell, he want's to run away and never come back.

But he can't. His body is numb, everywhere it's just pain. His mind is full of thoughts of misery, agony, pain, fear, his only friends that he now maintains frequent contact with are the ones inside his head whenever he slips up or does anything wrong. 

He remembers a conversation he had with Yuta once when the other had decided to use his given name affectionately after going across nicknames  
"I take it back, I preferred the nicknames.” Ten flinched. Yuta tilted his head, raising an eyebrow at that. “Your dad's a royal ass, but he’s still your dad.” Yuta noted. “You hate him that much?” “My dad's was a manipulative, cruel bastard.” Ten gritted. “I prefer to be associated with him as little as possible. Call me anything but Chittaphon.”

Granted Yuta didn't know the full story back then so he had been a little confused. Honestly Ten knows that if he tried to get Yuta back he'd probably succeed but as good as things could be between them, there was an awful side that was just as strong.They would keep on hurting each other, whether they meant to or not. They would resent each other. They would get into arguments that felt soul-destroying. Ten would always be halfway anticipating the end somewhere in his messed up head, acting like he didn’t care, and Yuta would never give him the magic response that would fix everything, because it didn’t exist. 

Ten's a liar.

He had gone back a few times after that but in the end he'd always mess it up somehow. 

-flashback-  
It was hard to tell if the sting in Ten's eyes was more anger or hurt. “Screw you!” Ten's whole body felt hot. “What the hell does our friendship even mean to you, if you’d just leave me again without even trying? All I could think about was how I didn’t want to lose whatever we had, and you didn’t even… fucking… ” To Ten's horror, his voice was choking up; he gritted his teeth and tried again. “Why is it always only me who tries to hold onto things? Do you seriously not even care?” 

Honestly what Ten had said was not fair, Yuta tried hard, tried so hard. But Ten always ended up letting his family problems cloud his vision. Strange how that thought still kicked off the old, familiar ache in his chest. In the first few months after Yuta had left, Ten had wracked his brain going back through every old conversation he could think of, every moment when they’d been together or hung out or just talked, looking at what had gone wrong. At the edges of his frustration, there had always been the lingering possibility he’d wanted to ignore – the chance that Yuta had never actually liked him, but had pretended to tolerate Ten for his own reasons and then jumped at the chance to abandon the false friendship. Ten didn’t actually believe it was true – couldn’t bring himself to believe it, more like – but it was there. 

He just couldn't help but blame his family. Ten thought family was supposed to be supportive and loving.  
Not so damaging that they fuck you up entirely. He remembers being blamed every single time his parents fought , one of them would always be like "this is all because of you, if only you were a better child. I'm hitting your mom/dad because of you" like jeez thanks man nice thing to say to a elementary schooler. Their family was a lie, his parents whether because of fights or their work just never were there. It made them irritable, but on the outside, they appear to be very loving, and that they don't care about their flaws, and make their children very happy. Isn't it too strange like that? That's why he was always rebelling. Some parents, no matter how hard you try to talk them, just can't see reason. No matter how hard he tried to make them understand, no matter how he rebelled, it never did any good. He still refused to give up. Even though Ten would be the one crying in the end. 

Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong. His parents when they had found out about his plans of moving out as soon as he was 18 went ballistic. They couldn't fathom that he'd want to move out. Honestly Ten thinks it's because they know they'd lose control. They honestly probably still don't believe he'd actually move out. In their sick twisted mind they assume he'll stay forever or come back eventually. Ten remembers Yuta once saying "Home is not where you were born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease" and he held onto those words strongly. There is an ache in Ten's heart for the imagined beauty of a life he has not had, from which he had been locked out, and it never goes away.

He had, had one other friend apart from Yuta he could trust, Taeyong. But his family had invaded his privacy one time and read Ten and Taeyong's messages. Taeyong had suggested to just climb out of the window and come over to his house one day when the emotional abuse was too much to handle. His family had spun those words around and had told the police that Ten had a friend who was urging him to commit 'suicide'. Honestly they were probably scared Ten had found a way to escape their control. He was forced to delete Taeyong from Facebook - They still contacted each other though not as much as before. Though Ten's parents homophobia and transphobia since Taeyong's brother was out as trans were also a deciding factor. Infact every single time he talks back to his parents now, they'd say that this was all probably Taeyong's influence and that Ten probably still talked to him. Hearing all that shit about one of his close friends honestly pissed Ten off. 

His other family members who were brought to 'help' to him just seemed like they were trying to rebuild someone’s house without a fucking clue what it looked like beforehand. Forcing social interactions has always been one thing he hated and that's exactly what they constantly tried to do. 

Ten is like a cowardly little dog constantly barking. In order to protect his little pride, he only looked at his own justice. He just assumed everyone around him was evil, and even to this day, He still continues to bark. As if he was controlled by something lead by the emotions in him. He understands his condition and is irritated by it, but even then he still depends on it. That only makes it spread and would eventually grab hold of his consciousness. Ten can no longer live without it, even if he understands it, He go against his condition (dependancy) . Ten just wants other people to accept his existence, to realize his existence. He envies those who have the means to do so. He doesn't hate them , he just wants them to understand him . What is he fighting against? Rules are the things he hates, because he doesn't like being limited . He just wants to run away from this damn house. He hates being ordered around. 

Ten remembers he used to sneak out around midnight last year and just walk around the city , he just couldn't breathe in this house. He won't accept this , he doesn't want to accept this. "Why should I accept them ruining my life?" He thinks. But Ten realizes everything he's doing is hypocrisy . What value does he have living? He doesn't know anything anymore . What is he even doing right now? He doesn't know. He's just going insane and sleeping until he rots away . It's so painful, it's so sad, it's so frustrating, he want to stop it. But even that isn't 'allowed' He just ends up losing everything . He feels like an unwanted child. It's beyond his ability to do what people call- "compromise", "conformity", "consensus". Unable to keep up he guesses he was suddenly left alone - or well maybe he ran away. This, everyday- isn't it unfair? He's so lonely. He feels more cowardly than anyone. Every time he hurts someone, he gets hurt, too. And unable to rid of it, He just drags it along. So far that's how he's grown up. It's kind of thrilling.

He thinks in the end we're just dancers in the pawn of adults hands. Unable to forgive himself for being unable to accomplish anything , it's like he already knows how dark his future is while he's living in this house. Realizing he hasn't accomplished a single thing. Everyone's already tossed him to one side "it's fine however it turns out" He thought. Right now Ten has abandoned everything, only loneliness resonates. Shamefully, since he's unsightly, his voice is only gonna get shot down and be left unheard just like it was by his relatives. 

He even got his phone taken away so he skypes one of his only friends left; Johnny he doesn't know why, but he spills everything. Every little thing that's been going on. By the end without even realizing it he's sobbing. "Sorry, I probably look pathetic right now, don't I?" Ten tries to put on a smirk, though he fails miserably. "It’s alright. Sometimes this is the only way to move past. Bottling things up inside and letting them fester just makes you a miserable little shit, until one day the dam breaks and you’ve suddenly got chronic feels-diarrhea.” , Johnny says with a sad smile. And Ten remembers why exactly he loved his friend. "Ten years from now when you're married to Hansol and I've lost every job I've ever gotten because I have no attention span or ability to commit to one hobby and I need a place to stay, I'm going to beg to crash on your couch" Ten actually manages to pull off a smile this time. "My couch is always available, just know that Hansol and I probably would've done it, at least once on there". Ten puts on his mortified face.  
"This really helped, thanks man."  
"No problem... But take care yeah? You'll be out of there before you know it. Just stay safe please".

He wasn't putting false pity on him with his statement. Johnny meant what he said and that was why Ten loved him. He didn't bother with sugarcoating anything or lying. If he gave you a compliment or insult he meant it. You didn't have to dance around subjects with him. He'd tell you exactly what he thinks and feels. 

Though as soon as the call ended, the loneliness came back. He hated himself, he literally couldn’t stand himself. Because he had been so weak and Ten had just let them walk all over him. And he was so fragile, all the time. Pathetic and tragic. He hated people and he hated leaving the house – it was just too overwhelming. Every day was a struggle, every day felt like Ten was drowning and he was so exhausted just from keeping himself afloat. He went to sleep every night praying that he wouldn’t wake up, that the pain would just end. But it didn’t. It never, ever did. 

Crippled and dying alone, he didn't have anything better to do besides hold grudges and contemplate his mistakes in the past. It's several months now after the incident with the police, several months after he had disappeared off the face of the Earth for his friends . He survived, albeit, . He had lived, and awoken alone. Somewhere else in the world. Quietly, with nothing from his old life to hold onto.

Ten's not happy.

The silence had become a regular part of day, the silence being loud and completely unbearable, throbbing in his ears and suffocating him every time Ten opened his mouth.. His education in ruins just like Ten's pride and reputation. 

Broken beyond repair.

Ten wouldn’t make it if he thought there was a something wrong. Such was the coward's life.

Who was Ten now?

Just some person who's stuck in a house that's like hell .

A few months ago he was forced to stay with his relatives in a foreign country. Honestly he realized just how close minded people still were. Every day was a living hell there. If it’s anyone’s attention he wished he could avoid, it would be his own relatives/parents above all else. They thought something was wrong with him for wanting to stay in his room and not interact with them. Ten was a creature of habit. He enjoys living a quiet life and has a handful of things he likes (video games, the internet, singing) and a whole lot of things he dislikes (social interaction, math tests, brussel sprouts). That's just how he is and he never thought any wrong of it until he was shipped off to a foreign country where apparently introverts didn't exist?

Ten often thinks that the universe is against him. Like if a person’s life were a story then everyone else would have perfect uniform plotlines from start to finish while Ten's is just a freaking collection of typos and loose ends.

I mean, look at him. Ten's awkward, anti-social, kinda scrawny, and gets a mild amount of anxiety when he’s around a group larger than four people. He's only got a handful of friends to show . Ten is your standard wallflower, invisible and unnoticed by the majority of human society. So why couldn't he go unnoticed by his family too? Why couldn't they just leave him alone to his devices and not judge him? I mean, it didn’t take fucking Sherlock Holmes to figure out that Ten wasn’t a people person. He had issues interacting with others and he found himself overthinking the smallest of things which just led to even more distance between Ten and those other people. Ten hated the feeling of a people’s eyes being on him. It made him feel like he was losing his breath. Drowning under all that scrutiny and attention.. And then the people who say "oh why don't you just go out more!!! I'm sure your social anxiety will go away if you just interact more!!" Like .... Sorry but that's like telling someone with a peanuts allergy to just go and fucking eat some peanuts cause they'll get over it. 

Ten is quite talkative, but he is insecure about the things he talks about, so he keeps quiet. When Yuta had learnt of the reason behind his silence, he berates him, and tells him that whatever Ten had to tell, Yuta would be glad to hear it. And oh how dearly he misses Yuta's comfort again... He remembers Yuta had told him he hated the man who stood by Ten's side, Ten's fathers eyes coldly calculating, staying behind the shadows, yet orchestrating Ten's entire life, like a puppet master with his strings. "It isn't how a father is supposed to treat his only son. I find it hard to digest that you of all people, is taking this lying down." Ten even though he had agreed wholeheartedly had lashed out because he felt a hit to his pride. 

The whole affair was absolutely disgusting.

Looking completely in control, yet also as if Ten's world was completely crumbling down and he didn't know what to do to make it stop. It had been far too long since he had had actual physical contact with another human being other then a member of his family. He wants Yuta, wants him so badly, wants things to go back to the way they were before, on that day when everything seemed perfect and Ten's life felt like something out of a dream.

Ten's been crying like he's never wept before, cosmic radio waves melting into his collapsed throat and collapsed lungs and it hurts, everything fucking hurts, and he has never felt so goddamn useless before, so fucking unable to laugh and so fucking unable to do any gunk and so fucking unable to be loved.  
He hates how much his life is being controlled, and he suddenly feels suffocated and trapped. Ten doesn't have stellar grades - in fact he's not very good at his studies(he'll probably fail this year so that's that) - he only wanted someone to like him for who he is. He was dumb, gullible and desperate. He's always desperate.  
To them, Ten is just your average boy in the crowd. It's lonely, but he's has grown accustomed to it. However, he can't help but feel alone and unnoticed - an insignificant splotch in a world full of amazing people., and he longs be one of them.  
This year is a blur of sleepless nights, screaming authority figures, and angry parents. He's not getting better. Ten's getting worse. Why? Isn't the question here, but how? His mom thinks its because he's mixed up with the wrong bunch; his dad thinks it's because he doesn't care anymore and that he's worthless and lazy anyway .But it's because of them .. It's always been because of them. They have such a strong hold over him that he can't breathe . What’s his personality? it’s what was always on his mind. Everyone had their own strong points, but he didn’t have anything, he thought. That's why Yuta was his sun , Yuta shone so brightly while Ten was in the darkness . Everything becomes grey: the scenery that passes by, the halls he slumps through, the faces of people who don't know what's wrong with him, even things he once liked . Ten can't see anything properly, anymore, because Yuta was his spectrum of colours, his only source of light, and Ten guesses when he was gone he completely gave up on myself ? He let his parents walk all over him and he's still suffering through It. 

He slips an ambien to pretend he doesn't exist for 12 hours, dream up conversations that will never happen because these are what Ten's dreams are made of now; unattainable and slightly broken things that curl around his chest . Wake up, unsure of whether it's 11 in the morning or 11 at night on a Sunday when the world is still asleep regardless of the time. Basically like a vampire . He wouldn't wake up till it was night . Chug orange juice from the bottle and pretend to not remember who is waiting for him downstairs . He's not a bird they can keep hidden in these walls… like some fucking cage. He just wants the bird to fly away! The bird to find its nest and a place it could call home, the home which they can not provide. It doesn’t want to return. It doesn’t feel like it belongs here. 

He doesn't have a lot of good friends. He... had trouble making real friends when he was younger. Even now he's still got a talent for holding people at arm's length. So he has other friends, but they didn't know him like Yuta,Johnny,Hansol or Taeyong did. He gets excited about things. That's just how he is. He's totally self-centered about it, sometimes showing people his hobbies , but... 

Other people, they can't tell the difference between when he's posturing and when he means it. Or what his life really is like behind closed doors , because he always tried to convince people his home life was perfect so he wouldn't look so pathetic .. Wouldn't feel pathetic . Act like they actually did shit for him because he was jealous of everyone else's . He didn't like people to know too much about him , so he would constantly make up fun stories about his life because he wanted people to think it was fun .. Being Ten .. It was a pile of bullshit really . The last time he had fun, he can't even remember. Yuta was never someone Ten needed to manipulate to make him notice him, Yuta was there and Yuta respected him and payed attention to Ten, and Ten constantly told himself not to ruin this just because he can. Because that's what he always tended to do. Ten just never could actually believe that people actually liked him . He didn't know how to explain that he wasn't sure he'll get any attention that he didn't forcibly take. And because of that he might've been considered possessive, Ten's often afraid that things are going to slip through his fingers: people, victories, status. He plots and schemes all these ways to keep them, and never seems to realize he doesn't have to be so afraid. 

That's why he's shocked some people still stayed, after all this time, after all of his temper tantrums and weird demands and fragile-ego insults. He has always, always been strange to people : complicated and difficult and kind of high maintenance. People are unsure, half the time, if they're even scratching the surface of Ten's totally twisted thought-processes, or if it's impossible to figure out anything he's actually thinking through the mess of his doubts, and all the bullshit he conjures to hide it. He would like to think Yuta knows him better than almost anyone, though. And that's saying something . Even he admits that he is just really fucked up , that he doesn't even know what he's thinking half the time.

Ten thought he was perfectly okay on his own, and besides- Yuta was strong, blunt, mature, someone who was able to deal with Ten's insecurities as though they're tiny parasites; so easy to destroy, yet so able to cause destruction. Yuta was the only one patient enough to put up with the insufferable loser , the only one enduring and caring enough- and for that, he's endlessly grateful.

He knows it isn't co-dependency; it's friendship, and a very, very strong one at that. Why is it that Ten's only source of real happiness seemed to be Yuta's encouraging words, Yuta's endearing nature? It's pathetic really . 

It was enough to simply be. To exist in the same space as one another. For Ten at least, he had never needed anything else. Ten lost sight of that for a while, got lost behind his own impossible goals and insufficient capacity for anything at all. He knew how to rip everything down and set it on fire, because destroying this, destroying what they have, is sometimes what he does best. That was always Ten's problem. Because of his stupid pride and ego . Ten's losing it. His sanity, probably. But he's only about 70% sure about that. These four walls of his bedroom have become so suffocating because he's trapped here, this stupid house , this stupid family is tearing Ten apart . He's afraid to speak, afraid to breathe. Ten had gotten so used to the isolation and desolate feel that came with the certain emptiness that occupied him without a piece of warmth to fill it, it still feels awful though . It annoyed the hell out of him because he had the nasty habit of self-destruction preset in his DNA and someone had to be the designated clean up crew, every single time. Ten never meant for that , he's just so fucked up . He guesses there's a line between existing and being alive . Those who exist, museums of memories tucked behind hooded eyes and tongues tied up in pretty bows, lean on those who are alive. Ten guesses Yuta was the person that was alive for him . 

-

It’s silent. For all the times Ten's insisted that he’s comfortable with silence, he really isn’t. It unnerves him, throws him off—he doesn’t like it when it’s too quiet because he starts doubting himself, starts doubting his own thoughts and that’s when it gets a little too dangerous. That’s when he feels a little too vulnerable.

His Aunt walks up to his room and opens the door (his lock had been removed) "Do you ever do anything but sit around?" She mutters to mostly to herself, but makes it loud enough for the bed potato to hear. Ten sits upright and flips his hair that's still everywhere to stop it from obstructing his view.

"Well, yeah. I eat, sleep, and shit," Ten replies in a slightly mocking tone, one that has been becoming way too familiar, and his aunt probably wants to punch him for always trying to get on her nerves, "I breathe. And even though you don't seem to believe it, I do have friends I visit, even though you think I'm snorting up cocaine. You wound me so, Aunt." His aunt just shoots him a glare and walks out the room. 

-

 

The first time he thought about running away he was eight. Shortly after he woke from passing out after a panic attack. 

Everything at that time happened in such a rush and not much of it made sense to him. It felt like everyone was so busy with change they forgot he existed and left him behind. So one day he left the house without telling anyone and wound up getting lost. His head ached . It felt like there was nowhere he could go. He remained lost for hours, until night fell, but by then he didn’t mind so much. It felt like he could breathe. And then his cousin found him and brought him home.

Since then he had recurrent thoughts of running away, where he’d go, how he’d live his life from then on. Admittedly practicality never had much of a place in his fantasies, but Ten is determined to not burden anyone too much. He knows he can do this, he needs to, but if it turns out he can’t… Well. He’ll worry about that when the time nears.

He replies to Johnny's daily texts since then making sure he's okay. He will say Johnny is doing a commendable job caring more than his actual parents do so far.

-

Yuta probably doesn't remember, but the day he was going through another one of his family feuds , Ten went to Yuta's place. Yuta didn't want him to be alone. Ten had told him he'd go home a bunch of times, told Yuta he was fine, but still Yuta told him to stay. Yuta knew Ten wasn't fine. Yuta knew Ten needed him. And Ten guesses that was when he started getting scared because no one had ever understood him before. And the first thing Ten thought of wasn't them together, or how great it would be. Having a friend he could finally lean on, The first thing Ten thought of was everyone eventually hating him or being forced apart from him because of his parents, Ten's parents always managed to take his friends away from him, and how he couldn't let that happen to Yuta. Not ever. He couldn't let Yuta see how low of control he had on his own life, it was pathetic , so he decided maybe It's better if Yuta just hated him . He just didn't want Yuta to think he was pathetic .

Ten's priority has always been Yuta's happiness, though he had a shit way of showing it . When Ten looked at Yuta, he just knew that he would rather have spent his time with one person who would mean the world to him, than with twenty people he could never count on to not turn against him. And Yuta never did turn against him, even though Ten thought he did. 

If Yuta'd just confessed to him that he'd killed a man, he would help him bury the body. Ten was ashamed of himself for worrying his most trusted friend – for ever wanting to kick Yuta out of his life. It just... It hurt and he.. didn't want to care about him anymore. He messed up, because everything that gets close to him always gets taken away . A life where Yuta's not by his side is not a life at all. He doesn't want such a bleak world, such an empty existence. He's foolish enough to hope. Ten's foolish enough to think he'll get a happy ending so easily. As a kid Ten was a dreamer, or so everyone used to tell him . And they would also say that it would only get him in trouble one day. Everyone told him that he needed to learn how to function by himself. He doesn't know if He Knows how to, though , Ten doesn't know if he can be alone or carry himself . Ten's so used to Yuta always being there to help him carry at least half. 

There's no one who's terrified of being alone more than Ten. Ten always would tell Yuta he was the most important person to him. It’s true. There’s never going to be another person in this world that means as much to Ten as Yuta does. Yuta was his pillar of strength . He'd always relied on him, and he knew back then if they ever had to part ways for good, Yuta would be better off than Ten. Ten knows he wasn't the easiest person to handle and he knows he gave Yuta more problems to add onto on top of Yuta's own. But he still stuck by him. He's glad Yuta became his first ever friend; his best friend back then . Ten always didn't feel like he was enough—so one time at Christmas Yuta told him "I just want tell you that you're more than enough—like, you're perfect. You were pretty , i t’s probably illegal. No one should be born that fuckin’ gorgeous, alright—it’s unfair. And your eyes… Don’t even get me fucking started on your eyes. They’re this really… really nice shade of brown and I could look at them all day, y’know? Anyone could . And when you were proud of yourself or you were really happy they just like, light up like a fucking Christmas tree and they’re so big and it’s kind of cute, honestly. You probably don't even know how much I worried about you all the time. God, it’s so embarrassing. But I felt so fuckin’ bad every time you hurt yourself or something you know? Or you know when you felt like you were inadequate. And you didn't even believe how good you were and it makes me just—I just want you to know how good are, you know? Like, you're the best person I know, holy shit, you're amazing" 

He wishes he was back by Yuta's side instead of being surrounded by dozens of people who wanted him to forgive his parents. People saying abused kids should forgive their abusive parents is like telling someone who got shot to just forgive the shooter, even though they almost died and are now traumatized. Lately everyone has been trying to guilt trip him into saying he should, his relatives, his social worker . Everyone. Frankly if they died he probably won't shed even a single tear for their abusive asses. His mother kept feeding him with sweet words, but when he told her about her husband’s true nature, he became the liar who brought shame on the family’s name. He took it because his mom would guilt trip him into thinking he'd be protecting her that way. What a load of bull . She guilt tripped him into taking beatings for her. At first he thought she wouldn't leave his father because of Ten's sake but later he realized that she did it because she had no where else to go, she did it for her own selfish reasons . His mother was just as worse as his father, eventually she became physically and mentally abusive too. His cousin asked him why he's so fucked in the head and why he can't trust her (I mean you're 32 for hells sake, people who think they know all about you when you've talked to them like what? 5 times properly think they know you are the type of people Ten hates the most ) . He learnt that people cannot be trusted. Is there a person he can offer his heart to when his mother, of all people, betrays him? Like the average housewife she is, she chose ignorance. Act like everything was great and obviously there was something wrong with Ten instead who was doubting how their family functioned. 

He is sick to death of swallowing every single thing he's fed. He just wants to leave , fuck . He constantly feels restricted , like he can't breathe and that he's gonna drown any second. And him being the smartass he is decided to get online schooled again for the remainder of the year and he's failing everything and he just can't get the motivation to do anything because he constantly feels like shit in this house. It's not a surprise an parent would choose family first but not actually consider their child's feelings. A parent would never consider their child's opinion because adults think that they, themselves, are more smarter than a kid just because their brain is fully developed. if we were to ever question anything as children, we're forced to take it back down our throats because what we think is wrong or what's right, it doesn't matter. Plus the adults we know today were raised differently as children and were forced to do the same and that's why they majority are fucked up in the head. Just because you're an adult it doesn't mean you think more cleverly than your child, Plus they think they control whatever they created. Sometimes he doesn't know who to cry out to. Sometimes he doesn't cry out to anyone at all because how could anyone possibly hear him? He knew that this would be his fate all along, but he can't help but think that he did something wrong, that this could have been prevented. All he really knows is that he really didn't want this, and he wants somebody to save him, please save him from this, he's so alone and he doesn't like it. 

He sleeps, but it doesn't help with his ever present fatigue. All he can do is sleep and waste away, and he feels pathetic, so, so pathetic because he can't bring himself to do anything else. He dreams of obscured, yet painfully vivid faces, his friends" These dreams are all he has. As he lays down, contemplating everything one night (at least, he's concluded that it is indeed night in this little void of his), He notes how empty he's become. Sometimes he feels numb, other times it's just a dull, aching sadness. His eyes burn with tears that won't shed, his hollowing insides echoing with a sharp twisting pain, and he's known this feeling his whole life, but it's never been so strong until now. Loneliness. Loneliness, because he feels truly alone this time, there is nobody but him. As old as he's become, there's still the child-like ache in him for someone to come and save him from this. There's always been someone to come save someone, hasn't there?

Trembling hands reach upwards for something, but there's nothing to reach for, and he too, wishes he could be obliterated into nothingness.  
-

When he was 5 he had a toy phone, he liked it. He remembers playing with it and dad couldn’t hear the TV so he snatched it off him and smashed it into pieces. Ten cried, he replied “I’ll give you something to cry about in a minute”  
He remembers being 6 and watching TV whilst eating their dinner and because they were talking and dad couldn’t hear he threw his plate against the wall, he took a month off from school for that because he was black and blue. Is that what a father is supposed to be? 

What’s the deal with parents and their kids? Kids say their parents will always be family, no matter what, and parents say they’ll always care about their kids. Is that really true? The important thing isn’t how someone’s related to you, is it? What’s more important is… how does he put it? Ties that you choose to make. You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your partner, right? So, what he's trying to get at is… Rather than putting your money on blood and DNA and stuff you have no say in, life’s more fun if you trust yourself. Though he still hasn't got his fun back yet.  
-

His dad used to get very violent and it became second nature to run away whenever he got angry because the next step was someone being thrown against a wall or something getting broken. So he can't even take people yelling really well. Yuta never really yelled , He remembers the first time he did Ten got so shocked he couldn't function for a few hours, he hid himself in the closet. Yuta never yelled around him after that. 

Ten's been forced to stay in his room ,without coming out for close to 2 months now, that changes you as a person . He likes staying in his room , he doesn't have to deal with humans that way but he hates that they're making him do it . He doesn't want to go back to being that person again - the Ten that doesn't give two fucks about who he hurts, as long as he isn't the one hurting. He really doesn't . Yuta understood him when no one else did. He wanted to talk to him or see him. Yuta listened to him when He needed to talk. Ten felt close to him. Yuta saved him . 

He told himself he could only identify four emotions. He told him that's the extent of his knowledge concerning feelings. He told himself that they weren't necessary before, so he didn't bother with them  
He knew boredom. It was apparently Ten's default emotion. The one that itches under his skin, the one that makes him be distant and mean. The one he can't stand.

He also knew excitement. , This emotion kept him going, gave him purpose. It was his favorite. He's met fury on several occasions. It's always a cold and thorny flower that blooms inside his ribcage, right over his heart and lungs.  
He doesn't feel it often and that's good. It's a self-destructive little thing that only means he is not getting his way.  
He's tasted disappointment.

He doesn't think about it.  
He lied.

 

He knew six emotions. The fifth one is hate, but it's related to disappointment, so it doesn't really count.  
Number six is a thing you don't want to put a name to. It's sweet. It's annoying. He wanted it gone.  
Loneliness no longer qualifies as an emotion because it's already part of who he is.  
Life broke him a long time ago and the pieces mended in the wrong way, leaving him twisted and ugly inside. He is a mess, He's emotionally stunted.  
He is the best kept secret because he's scared of getting hurt again. The less they know about him, the better. He didn't want to feel pain and He didn't want to feel pity. He didn't want to lose.  
And he, he, he who hid under shields and firewalls of secrets, he who ignored all these emotions at the pit of his stomach, he who pretended that he was in control when he is clearly not—He's such a coward.

He decides to write Yuta a text, since he's too much of a coward to call him.

"I guess I’ve never really been sure of anything. Except you, I was sure of you. And I think in the end that’s what hurt me the most, being so positive that you would always be around, that you would never leave. And so inevitably, I got tangled up in the idea that you were my friend and nobody could change that. I figured you would stick around; I was sure you would. Until you didn’t. I remember thinking it wasn’t real, that you would text me a few hours later saying you were sorry and that you still wanted to talk me. But a few hours past, and then a few more, and then the days were passing along with the weeks and before I knew it I hadn’t heard from you in three months. That feeling of inadequacy never really goes away, it gets masked of course by new people and new places and you pretend to be friends with other people but I'm lying to myself. I took you for granted. I never told you I loved you, and I did love you. But unfortunately you only get so many chances with a person until they cannot take it anymore. And I wasn’t expecting you to have a breaking point when it came to me. I wasn’t ready for you to go, But the idea that you love someone so much and they never seem to appreciate . And I’m so sorry I overwhelmed you. And I’m so sorry I never told you I loved you, but mostly, I’m sorry that I never knew what I had until I no longer had it. A real friendship. And true love"

-

It's been two hours and he hasn't got a reply back. Not like he really expected one. He's never layed himself bare like this. He always had to be cold blooded. He remembers being eleven and getting the beating of his life. He doesn't care about age, and he doesn't care about tact, and this gives him more trouble than he expects. He's not likable, despite the pretty smile he flashes at his elders. He does not want to be likeable. He has to be cold blooded. He has to be aggressive  
He has to endure several blows to his chest, a couple of kicks to his legs, and a broken nose that won't stop bleeding. He is eleven.  
He picks himself up, he goes home, he bathes.

He goes back.

And repeat.

He was all alone again – in this place he didn’t know.  This place where he had no one to rely on.  No one to talk to.  No one to comfort his restless being.   
Yuta knew he had to do something…something quick, because when he was alone, those piercingly painful memories invaded his mind mercilessly and he would be back at square one again. But he's glad that the one thing nobody can take away from you is the freedom to f*ck up your life whatever way you want to. He just wants to know is how parents and other parties who constantly say “Well this is MY house!” seem so baffled when the person hearing it starts to feel like they’re unwelcome and not at home in the space. Ten should try harder to change it but he doesn't know if he knows how to anymore. Disliking the ordinary but being afraid of change. Drowning in dark thoughts. Hiding yourself from curious eyes. Feeling too less to function correcctly. Sleeping to avoid the world. That's what Ten's life consists of now. 

To break free and feel unempty and not have anything to feel like it was missing  
To finally feel like he was complete.  Perhaps this was just what he needed—independence from everything that held him prisoner. He can only hope that time would come soon. He's .. Tired , he doesn't like his heart hurting, he doesn't like always trying not to cry, he doesn't like not knowing what to do because…because every time he tries to find happiness, he ends up unhappy instead. He just ... Wants to find that happiness, and he's just so tired. 

One time he trashed his bathroom in a fit of rage after another feud with his parents. His cousin had asked if he had no heart, but It’s not true he doesn’t have a heart. But it’s probably so wounded that he closed it away entirely to protect it from everything. Literally everything. "Our world is built on lies, Sayuri. I can't afford to be me. Lies are the only things that work." He told her. He probably had a strong desire to transform into something else. Into someone else. 

"I can't anymore." The words are ragged, torn from him by an invisible fish line that gets caught and tears his heart along. "It's not fair. I do everything. I let them take everything and none of it works out." He says out loud. 

 

He couldn’t show his true self; He was about to break down if he didn’t constantly have a definite separation between ‘on’ and ‘off’. He's maybe always liked pretending to be someone that he's not. By acting as a different self, He maybe actually was searching for himself. 

"YOU FUCKING WORTHLESS IDIOT" he hears his father say. He can't help but roll his eyes at what is to come. "You know you being a drug addict would be better for your parents then whatever you're trying to do now Ten" he hears Sayuri say. He can't help it, he loses it. " Who the hell do you think you are, Sayuri? You stalk in here, all high and mighty, and start throwing your weight about. I never asked for advice from you. I don’t need your Life Lessons 101, because you will never—ever, understand what my life was like before this. So you see, you aren’t the boss of me, and you certainly can’t tell me how to live my life. So what if I choose to shut it all out? That’s the whole point, you idiot. That’s how you survive in reality.” She doesn't seem to hear anything but a ungrateful brat and proceeds to lecture him all over again. "Say Sayuri? You must really get winded after all those preachy sermons you give out to people who don't need them. You're ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth. I'm not something for you to fix. I'm not a product, I'm a human being so please kindly leave".  
"Guess what? you are something for me to fix though" she says with her annoyingly high pitched authoritative fucking voice and saunters out of his room. 

He likes the quiet. He likes being by himself. Other people scare him a bit, and he’s never seen anything wrong with that. He does not want to leave the safety of his room because he doesn’t have to, so why should he? He doesn't want any of his family to understand it. It's black and chaotic and horrible. He can only make sense of a few things and the rest is dark and empty; it's hell but it's Ten and he doesn't want anyone to see it . He looks like a walking corpse. The worst thing is that even looking like that he smiles widely. He kind of resembles a doll that someone destroyed but the happy features remained. 

What a terrible story his life is. But appropriate for our world. Sometimes he feels like he's walking over a giant pile of shit. Morality and justice don't really suit him .  
Words like that and what comes out of asses are surprisingly similar. He felt out of place. Like Ten was too weak to belong anywhere. So, without realizing, Ten started to fight anyone who would call him weak or try to control him in any way. He had so much hatred in him, like the slightest order was a threat and he needed to protest. He really wishes all of his relatives would pack away their sodding saviour complexes and go home. "I feel like I've forgotten how to be me," Ten mutters. "And isn't that fucking humiliating." It reminds him of the time where he was sent to live with his relatives for two months and his uncle and cousin had legitimately come to the conclusion he was the Devils reincarnate. They beat him up and didn't let him have an ounce of freedom. What did Ten do to deserve this life? 

 

He can't do what his stupid ass cousin tells him to. Hs can’t give himself up like she did. He can’t ignore who or what He is so other people like him more. “I was always envious of you,” Ten says, a bitter weight to his voice to Yuta one day when he asked why he hated them so much. “You had a family that loved you, supported you and still does. Your parents never told you that you were filthy because you fell in love with the wrong person. Your grandparents or relatives never told you there was something wrong with you to your face daily. Never made you scared to come home or fall asleep just because you breathed.” Ten's hobby was placing his anger onto other people unfortunately. But back then his friends didn't know why he hated going back home so much. The choking feeling that he’d felt every time he went home, the life stifled from him. Squeezing around his throat mercilessly like a collar leashed to an abusive master. 

His cousin asks him why he just can't forgive them, one day when they asked for a second chance  
"They what?” Ten snaps, turning to fix Sayuri with a hard look. “Asked for a second chance with me? Because they thought maybe some things can be forgotten? They can be forgiven? Life isn’t nice like that. They taught me that real early. Now kindly fuck off! You and them made it pretty damn clear the last time I saw you guys that their lives would be better if I was dead or something"  
though he did get a punishment or two for that so looks like he made the right choice. 

He kind of misses going to school, it distracted him from that place and made him forget his situation. Nostalgia for when it was all softer, quieter, and hopeful, when they were too young to understand how the world worked outside of this small town. Now the only demons Ten had was the disapproving looks of his family, the screams and the shatters that drove him out of the house. The foul breath that spread over his face when his father confronted his ‘antics’ and spit how disgusting he was, how he couldn’t stand to have such a ‘disgrace for a son’ under his roof.

And his mother. Yeah. Doesn't she look like a fine mother? Well, she might be for some. My dads not half-bad either... So long as he does what they tell him. They raised him with not a discomfort in the world. On the surface, at least. But using him as a puppet for everything his mom couldn't do was his moms hobby. She'd make him do it over & over again until she liked what she saw. He felt like a human puppet. He learnt how to fake a smile all the way back in grade school. His parents needed an upstanding kid to enhance their reputation. They desperately tried to mold him into their ideal son. It escalated by the day, and if he did anything they even slightly disapproved of, they'd hit him with no hesitation whatsoever. He could deal with getting beat, but he hated the cage they'd always put him in. All to maintain their stupid reputation. People ask him if he's ever stood up to them, and he has. But it was laughably weak resistance at first. Like, he'd watching tv shows they hated, no matter how much they told him not to. You wouldn't believe how mad they'd over the defiance of a puny ass kid. He nearly gave up. Resigned himself to living life as their puppet. 

Yuta had always told him that he put himself down too much to which he responded  
"I'm a piece of crap Yuta. You can't possibily think I deserve to be loved. I'm a monster, I make a mess of everyone's lives as if mine isn't screwed enough. Like, impulsively" Maybe that's why he left. Just got sick of all of ten's ramblings. 

Do you ever just feel so alone, like everyone who was interested in the same things as you is gone, or all your friends died or moved away, and you love the culture of times before you were born, and you just realize this is what it means to be lonely  
*flashback*  
““I think we’re like stars.” ,Ten says  
“Why?” Yuta says with a curious look on his face  
"Because we look like we’re close enough to reach out and touch each other and become one but I’m reaching out and in reality you’re miles away from me and the universe around me feels empty without you but you still keep shining like you want to be the sun and I keep dimming like I want to fade into the darkness."  
*end*

 

It's just no one seems to understand how disappointing it is to feel hope come crashing down upon you? How it feels to be abandoned, especially by parents? How it feels so hopeless that you sometimes just want to end it all but are forced to continue on daily. 

At school he'd always been one of those guys who'd like to make people laugh a bit random actually. It was a mask of happiness. Masks of happiness lies right in the areas of Ten's expertise. He had the so called 'talent' to hide his emotions behind a thick wall and replace what would have been a cold exterior with a joyful and carefree nature. The emotions he had locked away were ugly and could be literally be described as what Pandora found in the box she swore not to open. What is ugly must be hidden or destroyed, is what every human thinks unconsciously. The same goes for Ten. All the distasteful feelings he had bottled up had been locked away, but with anything that had been supressed, it was only a matter of time before it would bubble up and explode. Ten knew that, he knew that ever since he had first started to subdue his true self and yet he hadn't expected it to happen so soon. It was only a matter of time.

After all, he is a ticking time bomb that had been fated to explode.

 

And then he realized at that moment that he just wanted to cry, he had no one to turn to. He had no one who I know would be willing to listen to him; to help him. He had exhausted them all already. And now there’s no one left. He has no one else to turn to. Ten doesn't want to bother them with his problems anymore; these people who claim to be his friends with real lives and no real problems, who are probably out right now somewhere having a good time with their friends while he sits here alone in the dark almost in tears. When he realized everybody he used to go to was virtually gone, he truly felt alone. And sadly, He wants to get used to it. Because that’s the way He fears it’s going to be.

 

To protect himself, his mind shuts out any emotions he has. It's like a steel door. But once the war is over, you can't keep it closed forever.  
No matter how severe the situation is, if you continue to stay there, you'll accept everything as a everyday life.  
All He ever did was pay attention to himself. And he's not even sure he saw himself clearly.

He lost most of his friends. He lost the experience of going to school. Ten grew afraid to engage with people and society. If he'd been more grown-up.. If he'd REALLY killed his emotions and tried to fit in, could He have remained a productive member of society? That's why when he sees people in similar situations like his. They usually look as if they're half-dead. Like they're desperately hanging on to a thread that might snap at any second. It feels like looking at himself. He was just a dumb kid. No patience, ruled by emotion. After he quit, he couldn't do anything for a while. But you have get an education to live obvs. When people asked him why he got homeschooled. Hs couldn't find the words to explain himself. Then he got sick and tired of it all, gave up, and that brings him here. It's hard to face everyone still going to a proper school. He's in a world he would have never experienced if he'd stayed. 

When he was younger he thought that when he'd get bigger, big enough to go somewhere by himself, he wanted to go to a land that’s far away. He wants to go to a faraway island. He wants to go to an island that has no people. Ten wants to go to an island that has no pain or sadness. There are no adults, children, classmates, teachers or my his parents on that island. On that island, he can climb a tree when he wants to climb, swim in the sea when he wants to swim, and sleep when he wants to sleep. In the island, he think about the town that he left behind. Kids go to school, as if nothing has changed. Adults go to the office, as if nothing has changed. Mom eats, as if nothing has changed. When he thinks about the town without him, he feels a sense of relief. Ten wants to go far, far away. 

So that day he did. He got a rope, set up a chair and before anything sent his last text 

To: Yuta  
I'm sorry. 

And that day Ten ceased to exist in this world. Was it the adults who made him this way? Was it just the cruel world? Or did it just come down to the fact he wasn't strong enough. But Ten hoped that after this, that atleast in his death he'd find the Island he'd been looking for.

*5 hours later*

To: Ten  
I'm so sorry I was out and didn't check my phone! 

I've always loved you Ten, I was just waiting for you to realize it.

You mean the world to me.

Whatever your problems are we'll work through them together, alright? 

Stay strong for me please?

I'll come over tomorrow and we can talk about this face to face.

From: Yuta


	2. ALTERNATIVE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE ALTERNATIVE ENDING. IF I DECIDE TO CONTINUE THIS STORY IT WILL BE FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS.

When he was younger he thought that when he'd get bigger, big enough to go somewhere by himself, he wanted to go to a land that’s far away. He wants to go to a faraway island. He wants to go to an island that has no people. Ten wants to go to an island that has no pain or sadness. There are no adults, children, classmates, teachers or my his parents on that island. On that island, he can climb a tree when he wants to climb, swim in the sea when he wants to swim, and sleep when he wants to sleep. In the island, he think about the town that he left behind. Kids go to school, as if nothing has changed. Adults go to the office, as if nothing has changed. Mom eats, as if nothing has changed. When he thinks about the town without him, he feels a sense of relief. Ten wants to go far, far away. 

So that day he did. He got a rope, set up a chair and before anything sent his last text 

To: Yuta   
I'm sorry. 

And that day Ten might have ceased to exist in this world. Was it the adults who made him this way? Was it just the cruel world? Or did it just come down to the fact he wasn't strong enough. But Ten hoped that after this, that atleast in his death he'd find the Island he'd been looking for.

*5 minutes before*

To: Ten 

I'm so sorry I was out and didn't check my phone!

I've always loved you Ten, I was just waiting for you to realize it.

You mean the world to me.

Whatever your problems are we'll work through them together, alright? 

Stay strong for me please?

I'll come over tomorrow and we can talk about this face to face.

Ten???

are you okay??

what do you mean by sorry?/

please tell me youre alright

TEN DONT DO ANYTHING STUPID PLEASE

From: Yuta 

Ten tied the rope around his neck. He lifted up and was struggling to breathe. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable to come. But then he heard his door bang open and saw Yuta standing there. Ten felt tears come to his eyes.. Yuta was always there.

"oh shit" yuta says and quickly runs over to untie the rope.

Ten had been saved.

Maybe Yuta really was his guardian angel.

That night Yuta held onto him like he was a fragile piece of glass that'd break if you went too overboard and Ten held onto him like a life line.

**Author's Note:**

> "So please  
>  Let me breathe  
>  Stop fearing that I’ll flee  
>  I’m just trying to live a little    
> Be who I am, do as I please    
> So for goodness sake let me be."
> 
> READ THE ALTERNATIVE ENDING HERE (it is a happy one)- http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1155313


End file.
